Over the last few years, I’ve drawn more and more into myself. Shutting others out.
Because they didn’t care about me.
But I think it was more of me not caring about them anymore.
If ever at all.
But then there are glimpses of when I wonder about them, miss them, … Care.
But hardly ever enough to admit it to them. Never lasts long enough consistently to make a difference.
But I am trying.
Trying to feel.
And I mean really FEEL.
I don’t know what’s to become of me.
I wonder who would actually want to meet me in real life.
Sometimes I like to lay in awkward positions and stare into nothingness acting like I’m dead.
I’ve done it since I was little…
Even pretending sometimes that I’ve been murdered.
I guess after a while, realizing that I never had someone to speak to when I needed it most, I learned how to rely on myself. I started to hide in the place I wanted out of most, my hell is my sanctuary. No one can take that away from me.
And that’s when I started telling people I am a cunt. It was always true, now I just flaunt it. No point in hiding that part of me.
Everyone complains about how much of an asshole is after getting to know them. I save people the trouble and let them know up front. And if they can’t accept it, learn to observe what I do, then they’ll never get to know me at all.
For awhile now, I’ve been realizing more and more how utterly normal and sane I am. With nothing special to differentiate me from anyone else. Leaving me forgettable.
I see myself and flaw after flaw jump out at me.
After all these years and I’m nothing more than ordinary. In physicality, personality, mentality.
There is nothing to be proud of when I think about it.
It’ll be realized eventually.
asked: Here's my attempt at a paragraph (don't laugh please) I would have never believed that someone could be so interested or intrigued by someone that they've never met in person It's a bit intimidating to be addressed or converse with a person who is as intelligent as you are. I am envious of anyone who has ever be graced with your presence or felt your touch, let alone anyone who has enjoyed solace of having your heart. On top of all these great features of yours, you're just so damn beautiful.
Awww. I honestly don’t think I’m all that intelligent or interesting. This is legitimately one of the greatest things I’ve ever received.
asked: You are, easily and honestly, the most beautiful woman I follow on tumblr. Were I to know you in real life, I would undoubtedly fall hard in love with you because you are an amazing, strong, and smart lady. Whoever ends up with you should consider himself a very lucky man. Or woman. I don't judge.
To anyone who thinks you’re a chauvinist pig, I must say that they’re wrong. And thank you very much, truly. You put a smile on my face.
I’d love someone to be so captivated by me in a way to write a song about me in the style of Chino Moreno.
Just getting ready for a run
*Walking down my hall to change and start thinking about how bad it's going to suck when my smoker's lungs kick in. Then think of how much I want to get in shape, turn to face myself in the mirror*
So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.
Moral of the story is that I'm probably going to always be single because no one can love me like I love me. And also, that I'm a hilarious motherfucker. I'll be my own damn Noah Calhoun.
Dear future husband,
When we buy ourselves a lovely home, I fully expect you to want a “man cave” and I am completely in favor of that.
But don’t think you’ll be the only one to have a place to call your own.
Any house we decide upon has to have an actual cave somehow connected to the house. Or a rather large basement that I can renovate to make look like a cave. You’re going to have a den/man cave and I’m going to have a bat cave.
I will throw parties in my bat cave and it will be incredible. We will purchase a bat and tell people that it has rabies. Therefore, if anyone pisses me off, I can release the bat and see that person run away in a most humorous way. Also, there will be a pit in this bat cave of mine stocked full of king cobras (or maybe not, but until I think of something different, that will be the plan). That way, the person running from the cute little bat can “accidentally” fall into the snake pit and get bit. Teaching anyone present to never make me angry.
In your man cave, you can have a mini fridge and a big screen tv to watch all your favorite things on and play whatever video games you wish. You can decorate the walls with posters of sexy ladies or muscle cars and motorcycles. Your friends can come over whenever and make a ruckus, so long as I’m in my bat cave.
My bat cave is going to have a pub like bar and I will have my own personal Batmobile parked inside (of course there will be a secret entrance that I may drive in and out of at my leisure). Don’t forget that I will also have a couple of motorcycles, my own video games, super computer, and entertainment system. I might even have my library, depending on the size (if there isn’t room then I also get a library. You can have a gym or something).
Whether I get married or stay single forever, this is happening.
“The life you live is the life you deserve.”
If that’s true, I’d like to know what I did to deserve the life I have. Sometimes I would just like to know what I did to have been trusted with the talents that I possess. Because I occasionally even impress myself with my capabilities.
Occasionally I feel the need to write out guidelines on what I feel needs to be accepted about myself if someone were to fall in love with me and be with me. But then I think there is no point, because if you can’t figure it out on your own, then I suppose it was meant to remain my little secret.
Play these at my funeral
Welcome to Bangkok - Brand New
Iodine Sky - Blacklight Burns
Less Than Three - Emptysight
So far, at least. Once upon a time I was going to have Ave Verum Corpus played, but I don’t know. Welcome to Bangkok is extremely mandatory. Put me in the ground or burn my body exactly at 1:34.